So I know I haven't blogged since I went back to work on Friday. Things have been crazy and I have had a hard time dealing with my emotions. As I go in for my first full week things are going to get very hectic. A starts school tomorrow, while still going to work full time too.

This is not what I want to do, obviously. It would be better if I were getting paid more, obviously. But I've got to find a way to deal. ::I will deal. I will deal. I will deal::

I have an interview Wednesday at Heartland Music Together. It's similar to the Wee Rock (which I didn't head back about) in that it's parent/child music classes for the little ones, but it's more established and there's an actual 3 day seminar you have to attend in order to be trained to do it. This would not mean that I would be able to quit what I'm doing right now. Actually it would mean that I would be adding work to my, well load. (haha)

But the hope is that this lady likes me, hires me for the Saturday morning classes, and then when she expands the business, gives me enough classes that I will only have to do only that instead of what I'm doing now. So I'm crossing my own fingers.

I've just been spending this weekend snuggling with bubby as much as I possibly can. I am so sad and anxious about having to leave him. I really hope that I can get to the Dr. soon and get this whole medicine thing worked out.

It's past my bedtime. But just worrying about tomorrow makes me not be able to sleep. Seriously, this has got to stop.

And and Shelbs, I think that you should adopt another dog. I know that in the past year or so you have had total shit luck with that, but dogs make you happy. Plus I would love to add another dog to our family and I could live vicariously through you!

I didn't mean for this to be a depressing post. I'm just struggling a bit right now with the change and transitions that are happening.

My last day as a stay at home mom

I knew it would have to come to an end. We are struggling to pay our bills. But I didn't think that I would get a call today and have to start tomorrow. I had a breakdown and literally had trouble breathing.

So tomorrow I start working as an aid in a special needs preschool. This should be interesting. The pay is crap so lets hope it's worth it.

I called dad this morning after I got the offer to ask him about watching bubby. He said he would do it for a bit, but that I needed to make other arrangements because he has things he needs to do. Then he said he wouldn't watch him this next Tuesday because he was going to go to the fair "come hell or high water". WTF. I was so upset.

My sister realized how upset I was and called my mom. She promptly called me and I told her what was going on and how I really didn't have a choice but to take the job. She went home on her lunch to lay into my dad and he completely changed his story. Sure he'd watch Daven. He just can't do it some times when he has a dr.'s appointment. I told mom no, this was not what he said to me.

So I don't know what's going to happen. If I can just make it through tomorrow that will be a huge step.

I finally got up the nerve to call my OB this morning about my ppd. Apparently they will only monitor that through 3 months pp and I have to go see someone else about it now. Stupid.

Have I mentioned yet that bubby sleeps on his side now? It's so stinking cute!

Well it's getting late so I'm going to drown my worries in a chocolate chocolate chip muffin and snuggle in bed with my little guy. Pray for me - I'm going to need it!

An all-around good day

This is the face of a little bubby who is not a fan of edamame (soy beans). Sorry, Daven.

Daven splashed in the pool today! He's always loved the pool, but today was the first time that he actually splashed around like he does in the tub. My dad was holding him and out of nowhere he did it! Then he looked around like "Why is my face wet now?" Then he did it again and again. It was so funny to watch.

I am kind of sad that my SIL is going back to school tomorrow. I've really liked having her home this summer. She's a lot of fun to be around. BUT I'm glad that she's going to school and happy that she is more looking forward to it than she was last year. The first year is the hardest for sure!

She treated us to dinner tonight, since we are beyond on a budget and she wanted to spend time with us. We went to Dragon's King's Daughter and it was of course, amazing! These are the same people who created and own Maido, my favorite place to eat. Well, it was my favorite anyhow. Now I can't choose between these two!

I was so happy to see Toki (one of the owners) tonight. Since we don't get to eat out as much and she just had a baby, we hadn't seen her in a long time. She even brought her daughter down for us to meet - what a sweetie!

Seaweed salad, the best sushi ever, and tacos (yes tacos!)

We seriously stuffed our faces and after we couldn't eat another bite we got dessert. You really can't go wrong with Tempura-fried Snickers bar and green tea ice cream!

When the bill came, we were very confused. Toki gave us a huge discount! Thanks so much!





Oh, and more good news - I just found out that this place called Wee Rock is hiring and I am going in tomorrow to observe a class and talk to the owner. It would be a part time teaching position/ They do child/parent music classes and it sounds like something I would really enjoy. Wish me luck!

Job interview; photo session teaser

So I had my interview this morning. There were 5 people in the room asking me questions and it was for 4 different jobs. Two were preschool, 1 special needs, 1 regular, then 1 was middle school and 1 middle/high school, both for students who have been suspended from their regular schools.

I found out that with the latter two jobs I would have to be comfortable learning and utilizing physical restraining techniques to use if necessary on the students. I'm guessing that a lot of the hs students are going to be male (judge me if you must) and I wonder, how would I overpower them?

For the 2 preschool jobs, I would have to be able to change diapers and clean up messes that involve, well, you know.

All of this and I would only get paid $8.23-8.74 an hour. There are no benefits, which isn't a big deal as long as A stays where he is. But for holidays and summers, I wouldn't get paid.

I tried to ask dad about the possibility of watching Daven, but the only thing he would say was that I shouldn't even bother with those jobs.

This is, of course, if I am even offered a job in the first place!

I sent in my resume to be an Ads Quality Rater for Google. If by chance I hear from them, that would be part time work from home at I believe $15 an hour.

This whole bit stresses me out. I wish I could just find a cubicle job somewhere that paid decent.

Changing subjects...

Daven slept a bit better last night. He still woke up quite a few times, but his diaper was literally bulging it was so wet. I don't think I could sleep like that either.

Oh, and check this out - a preview of the pics we got done!

I love Cuppycakes!

One of my awesome internet friends has been baking away and started a blog, Cuppycakes. She is doing her first giveaway, and I want!

You should check it out - you will drool over her pictures of homemade cupcakes!

I'm blogging to win cupcakes in a jar - vanilla bean. ::drools::

A Saturday update

The photo session went really well yesterday! It was a lot of fun, even though it was so hot out. We got everything done in 20 minutes, which was good because we were all sweating. I was going to do a few outfit changes with Daven but we had trouble getting one outfit off to get some shots of him in his diaper. I didn't want to upset him by trying to put more clothes on him.

Kortney said that she took around 100 pictures and that she would do basic editing and send them in the mail in a couple days. I can't wait!

A is going to play golf today and I am supposed to hang out with my friend, Ruth. She moved to town at the beginning of the summer, but she's been busy studying for the BAR exam. I'm glad I finally get to see her!

Ok, now I need to talk about this job interview I have on Monday.

First of all, I'm trying to not be overwhelmed by anxiety just thinking about leaving Daven to go to work. ::breathes::

In the district that my MIL works in they are hiring 4 aids for 4 different schools. I think most of them are for the middle school level. Well, my self-esteem level is so low that I don't even think I'll get a job offer. I know it shouldn't be like that but it is.

If I get the job then that will bring another set of problems - will my dad watch Daven? If not, how much will daycare cost? Apparently the starting pay for these positions is only $8.75 an hour. So if my dad decides that he has too much to do to watch him (which he totally doesn't, but he didn't sound too thrilled when I asked him about watching Daven - "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it") and daycare is really expensive, then I don't want to take the job. I don't want to sacrifice that much time with my son if I am only going to be able to bring home a tiny bit of money. I'd rather cook dinner every night and be able to stay home with bubby then be away from him all day and then go out to eat. I know A has a hard time understanding and I try to explain. I don't know if this even makes sense.

I knew when we started trying for a baby that I was have to be a working mom. And I was fine with that. Until I met my sweet Daven. Enter a big dose of ppd and it rips me apart inside to think about working.

So that is where we are. I'm going to go into the interview Monday and try my best. And if they like me enough to offer me a job then we will go from there.

I'm going to play with my bubby now :)

Insert big toe in mouth

Daven did that this morning! He's been trying for a while now and just couldn't quite get his foot up there. He was in the bassinet this morning and I was in the process of changing him and out of nowhere he was sucking on his big toe! Too bad I couldn't get a picture!

He has become quite attached to his sippie cup. If anyone tries to take it away from him (even to give him his food!) he starts crying! He makes a big mess with it though, because I think he only really drinks a third of it. The rest ends up down the front of him. Luckily it's just water right now, so no big deal. I am glad though that he's getting the hang of drinking from it all by himself. Although I can't seem to handle the rate that he's growing and learning!!

He LOVES his jumperoo! His legs are getting so strong now, and he just goes to town in it, bouncing up and down consecutively for sometimes a minute or two at a time!

Tummy time it getting better as well. Granted, he has to be in a good mood and if you try anytime after dinner you're just going to end up with a crying Daven, but for the most part he is tolerating it rather well. He hasn't made it up on his knees yet or anything, but he kicks his legs like crazy and manages to scoot himself some.

I am so excited because this afternoon we are getting pictures taken! One of my SIL's friends takes pictures and is still in college. She is doing the session for cheap! The only thing that might be bad is that she doesn't have a studio or anything so we are doing the pics outside. And it's supposed to be super hot today. But if all goes well then they should turn out nicely! We are getting pics of Daven for his 6 months (I know, he's past that, but it's close enough) as well as some family shots of the three of us. Then we will get all of the pictures on a disk to print out as many as we want. I'm so glad that we don't have to select a few out of a ton of great pictures of my baby boy. That's so hard to do!

I really need to figure out how to put video in my blog because I have a bunch to share!

Ok, I think my little jumper is getting tired!

Still struggling with ppd

I really didn't think at this point that I would still be having so many issues with ppd. I guess I naively thought that it would go away by now. But here are just some of the things that I have been dealing with lately:

• I take everything personally.

• Because of this I cry too much.

• I have major separation anxiety and I get stomach pains even thinking about having to go back to work and leaving Daven. Hell, I can't even leave him to do see a movie!
  

• Daven has to sleep in my room. And it's because of me.

• When Daven cries and I can't immediately make it better, I cry. I honestly can't control it.

• I have anxiety attacks now, where I feel like my chest is tight and I can't breathe.
  

• My libido is way down. Sorry, A. I'm hoping this changes super soon :(

• I'm gaining all my weight back. And that makes me sad. So I want to eat more.

I have never wanted to hurt Daven or myself and in that regard I am lucky. I keep telling myself that it could be worse, and that other things are the reason instead of the ppd.

• Daven has been waking up every 1-2 hours every night lately, so I am pretty exhausted.

• We are very stretched for money right now since I can't find a job.

• I have an eczema rash literally all over my body. Seriously, it's not on my feet and that's about it. It's kind of miserable. At least I'm guessing it's eczema...

• One sister is leaving to go back to college, one doesn't like being around my son, and the other is recovering from a domestic violence attack and has started dating again (and stopped coming over and texting me)

On the upside I have a wonderful, healthy baby boy that I love more than anything and I wouldn't change that for the world! I know that eventually things will get better with me. I just hope everyone can be patient with me.


If you happen to read this, please feel free to share your experience with me. I know I am not alone and hearing other people's stories can help :)

30 Day Blog Challenge

I am a frequent lurker of Transatlantic Blonde and she is participating in the 30 day blog challenge that one of her friends is hosting. It sounded like something fun to try to do, and a good way to find some new blogs to read.

Here's how it works:

*The 30 day blog challenge is not about blogging every day for 30 days. Realistically that's just setting you up for failure. Life happens, and not every day can we sit down and pour our minds out on a keyboard. For six weeks straight, aim to write a new blog post five times a week. That could mean one blog post every weekday Monday through Friday, or just five random days throughout the week that work best for you. Add your name to the linky below and follow along with other bloggers that are taking the challenge. Post the 30 Day Blog Challenge badge at the end of your blog posts and in your side bar so more people can learn about the challenge and follow along. If you are having a hard time thinking of topics to blog about, there are many other blogs out there that have weekly check-ins that may interest you. Psst, Feminist Friday would be a super easy one :)
There is a linky on Sare's blog that will be open from August 9 - September 17 and you can join any time. Don't forget to visit the other bloggers taking part in the challenge!

Does anyone else want to join? You can blog about anything :)

Buckets of fun!

It turns out that Daven is a big fan of buckets!

Hanging out in my dino jammies

Not much is going on here. I guess I'm pretty boring. We're just trying to figure out if there is anything we can do to help make these night time wakings less frequent. And no matter how many times my parents or the ILs tell me to just let him cry it out (CIO) I WILL NOT. Maybe there is a time to do that, when he understands that I am there and he is safe and all that. But right now I just don't believe in CIO.

Daven loves grapes in his mesh feeder! And I love that its a safe way for him to eat them. He can chew on them and suck on the juices (nothing dirty, now!) without a choking hazard.


Ok, my little dino is awake and grabbing for the laptop. GTG!

How can he already be 6 months?

19 pounds 2.5 ounces

26 inches long

Everything is looking healthy!

Daven's diet is no longer "restricted" and we are actually starting on meats tonight!
(And pureeing chicken is as gross as it sounds.) Last night I made him a chicken, black bean and rice mixture. It looked edible until I blended it all together!




















And guess what? HE HAS TWO TEETH!!! It's so hard to get any pictures, though. They are the front bottom teeth.

We got him a "big boy" car seat. Since I had my last paycheck and we knew he was going to reach the weight limit on his infant seat soon, we wanted to make sure we had enough money. We got a great deal at BRU - $100 plus 20% off with a coupon. It's a convertible seat so when he's old enough we can switch it to forward-facing. And the cool thing is that once it's facing forward it can recline! A installed it in my car last weekend and Daven loves it!



Daven is also sitting up! He's still a bit of a weeble at times, but he loves to sit up and play with his toys.


A little while ago, I let Daven make his first big mess. He was eating his oatmeal (before bath time, thank goodness!) and he managed to grab the bowl. I decided to see what he would do with it.


I decided that I wanted to make a blanket for Daven. I was hoping to find material to make him one like I have, but the fabric store didn't have what I was looking for. I did find some cute fabric, though, and after a long day cursing at my MIL's sewing machine, I finally did it!


I thought that since his teeth have come through that Daven would start sleeping better at night again. No such luck! It's starting to wear on me, but it's just one of those mommy sacrifices!

I know this post was extremely train of thought-ness, but I was trying to get in all the biggies!