It's crazy that Daven is officially 2 months old tomorrow! Time is really flying by! He holds his head up well, he smiles and laughs, and I love him. He's my little snuggle bunny!

Today was supposed to be my first day back to work. It's bitter sweet, knowing that on one hand I get to be with my baby but on the other hand, not having a job to go to in Aug.

Shit, my phone is messed up. The screen is frozen, and it won't even let me turn it off! Urgh. Better take a trip to the AT&T store. Damn.

Ah, where to begin? I should start on a positive note, so let's have some pictures of Daven! He's 7 weeks old now!









I love this kid. Seriously, I don't know what I would do without him. He brings me so much joy. I can't get enough of him!

So it seems that I will be able to spend more time with Daven than I thought. Because I'm not going back to work in a week after all.

My principal emailed me last week and said that we needed to meet so that he could catch me up on everything that the sub had been doing. Seemed legit since my maternity leave is almost up. But for whatever reason, I had a bad feeling about it.

Our meeting was set for Thursday afternoon, and I went in early so that I could see the kids and talk to the sub. They all seemed happy to see me. The 7th grade showed me a song and dance they had been working on. It was the closer act from Sister Act 2. I asked the sub how she came up with it and she said that the principal wanted her to do it. So I asked her where she got the music - yep, from the principal. Did he ever offer these resources to me? No, of course not.

We talked for a few minutes after the kids left and she told me that they were having to take all kinds of extra time to try to get that song and dance together because they were going to enter it into a fine arts fair. So not only were they taking free time and elective time, they were also taking band time. In the two months that I have been gone, my band and orchestra have met only 4 times. What a shocker. But it wasn't my sub's fault. I told her that he was supposed to tell me everything that she had been doing with them and she said that she hadn't talked to him or given him any lesson plans. Uh huh. Strange.

I went in to the meeting and after a few brief exchanges of small talk with him pretending he cared about how I was doing, he fired me.

But it's ok, because he's going to pay me until the end of July. See, isn't that ok? ::angry face::

One reason was because my teacher license isn't all figured out yet. Did he expect me to do this while trying to adjust to life with a newborn? He told me that he would help me with this, but then never followed through. Ok, so fire me for that. But if you're going to fire me, then you need to fire the other teacher there who not only lacks a license, but also has never even had any teacher education at all! And she's been there as long as I have. Be fair and fire her too.

I don't have quality music lessons. Really? I don't? How do you know? He's only formally observed me once and beyond that has no more than walked in and out of the classroom. And I haven't had to turn in any lesson plans to him. So how does he conclude that my classes suck?

Apparently I have bad rapport with my students. But they like me. Yes, not only did he say this but he also typed it up in a letter he sent me. So I don't have a good relationship with the students but they like me. No, that's not a contradiction at all!

My classroom is a mess. No, it was a mess and I cleaned it up and organized after you said something the first time.

You have food in your classroom. Yeah, and I was fucking pregnant the entire school year! Does he not see how I would need to keep food around? Also, the only place I had food was in my desk drawer, so this means that he snooped around and looked through my desk. It's not like anything was open. I had pop tarts and a jar of peanuts and some easy mac. Oh, and at least 2 of the primary teachers have mini fridges in their classrooms. Explain to me how that is fair.

I supposedly made it apparent on facebook that I don't value my job, have passion for it or take it seriously. First of all, how did he even see my fb page? Everything about it, including pictures and status updates are set to private so that only my friends can see it. Second, what is he talking about? I have said stuff like "So glad it's Friday" or "It's going to be a long day". I've probably even said something along the lines of "This faculty meeting was never ending". Again, I was PREGNANT. I was waking up in the morning to dry heave stomach acid. I was throwing up my lunch in the trash can at work. I was constantly uncomfortable.

I only have 3 teachers as "friends" and one of them didn't friend me until after I had gone on leave. Did one of them start shit? The only other thing I can think of is that one of the parents last year's 8th graders who I am friends with snuck a peek at my page and decided to take things out of context and start shit.

I so wish that I could have defended myself at the time. I wish that I had. But all I could manage to do was sit there and cry. "You need to take this extra time to reflect and consider whether or not you really want teaching as your career path". How are you going to say that to me? Or anyone?

I can't help but feel like he's had it in for me for a while. And I did manage to tell him that I thought that he has wanted to fire me all school year. His response to that? "Yeah, well..." So I guess that since the moment he found out that I was pregnant, he decided he was going to put a plan into motion that would allow him to give me the boot and still cover his ass at the same time.

The whole "lookie at how much better your sub does than you" thing - well if you had given me some fucking support and a budget I would have been able to do the same things.

Fuck him.

Fuck that school.

Like I said before though, I do get to spend more time with Daven. And I'm in the process of updating my resume to send out for other jobs. I've already applied for a temp summer job in June that has something to do with grading standardized tests. We need to save anything we can.

So that's the down low, written especially for Shelbs. I know we haven't gotten a chance to talk. I'm pissed and hurt and my self esteem isn't that great right now, but I'm also in a way relieved. I just wish I could have left that school on my own terms. Miss you, girl. Let me know if you can come over this next Wednesday!

We slept great last night! Woo hoo! Yesterday Daven stayed up during the day a lot longer than he normally does. He really only took small, short naps throughout the day. He started getting fussy last night so I gave him a bath and massaged him with lotion. Then we rocked in the recliner. Went up to the bedroom about 10:30 and gave him his bottle and he was out by 11. Normally he wakes back up when I lay him down in his cosleeper and try to swaddle him, but he didn't. I got the blanket nice and tight so he was a baby burrito.

He didn't wake up again until 5:30 am!!!! I woke up more than he did. I had to go pee a few times, and I kept checking on him to make sure he was ok. But that's not it! He ate, went back to sleep at 6 and didn't wake up again until 9! I can't tell you when the last time was that I got this much sleep!

Right now Daven is peacefully sleeping on me in his moby wrap. He didn't want to be put down. I tried to prop him up on the boppy while I got on the computer, but he said no to that rather quickly. But once I calmed him down and put him in the moby he went right to sleep. I'm ok with early daytime naps. I just hope that he stays awake this afternoon/evening so that we can have a chance at a repeat of last night.

In other news, Coheed pooped. I smell it. It's nasty. The problem is, I can't find it! I've looked everywhere! It's so gross. Normally I am able to figure out where the little fucker dropped his bomb but not today. Hopefully when my sister comes over she can help me find it.

I have my 6 week appointment today with the OB. Not really sure what all to expect from the appointment, but I'm hoping that she gives me the ok for sexy time. The thing that sucks though is even if she does we can't because I'm already on my stinking period. Yep. I didn't even get a full 2 weeks between pp bleeding ending and my period starting. Nice, Aunt Flow. Fucking great. I haven't really been bleeding that bad, but my cramps and backaches have been shitty. I think I started Thursday. I don't know when it's going to end. I've got to get a prescription for birth control today. I love Daven more than anything and we do plan on having another kid, but not any time soon!

So something has happened to me that I have never experienced before - the impulse to clean. I can't sit still because my house is dirty, cluttered and unorganized. Saturday while my friend Amanda was over I vacuumed, deodorized the carpet in the middle room (in which Oreo then peed and pooped on an hour later) and cleaned the bathroom. A few days before that I finally cleaned out the fridge and threw away all the bad food, and cleaned up the kitchen. I've also kept up with the laundry. Yesterday I spent an insane amount of time organizing my closet and dresser drawers and finally putting away all those clothes that had been sitting in hampers and laundry baskets since Daven was born. Today I really want to clean out the pantry so that I can see what's good and what's not and go to the store.

I realized, after going in the red with my finances the last check that I am not getting shit for cash since I'm on mat. leave. My checks have decreased by $200! And it sucks because it will be this way until Aug. So we really have to buckle down and spend less. We've got to cook dinner at home, stop going out, and really leave all our money for diapers, formula, wipies, and anything else Daven needs. I hate having to worry about money.

That brings me to my next realization. I've got this money stored away in an account that my grandpa set up for me when I was a baby. A few years ago it got signed over to me. I've got about $10,000 that I have never touched. It's comforting to me that I have this money, and I haven't wanted to spend any of it. I've thought about using it for a down payment on a car or eventually when we buy a house, but have always decided no. A talked to me a few days ago about using some of this money to pay off our bills. I immediately said no. I don't want to touch it.

I've changed my mind. We have both made some bad decisions about things and both have some debt - mine with Kohl's and A with Best Buy. But we've really only been paying the minimum on them. The interest rate on my Kohl's is insane and every month my bill really never goes down. So I have finally let my guard down and decided that we will use my money to pay off all the bills we can. Then we will close those accounts. No Kohl's, Best Buy, Mac, nothing. And I will be firm that if we want something, we will have to wait until we can pay cash for it (unless it's a car for me, because that's kind of impossible.)

When I go in to talk to my broker (is that what he's called?) about the money, I am going to see about setting up an account for Daven. Maybe something where so much of my check goes into the account every month and it gains some interest so that 18 years down the road, he will at least have something to his name.

The thing that scares me is that once we use this money to before (virtually) debt free we will get ourselves into trouble again. That we will use that extra money we have every month to go out to eat, buy electronics and other things. I really want us to be able to save. I want to have money in my savings account again. I want to be able to stop worrying about whether we have enough money to get everything that we actually need.

Here are the things that we will still have to pay for, month to month, after we pay off our bills:

Rent
Gas/electric
Sewer
Water
A's car payment
My 2 student loans
Car/renters insurance
Gas for our cars
Groceries (all of Daven's needs included)
Cell phone
Insight (cable and internet)
Monthly Dr.'s appointments for Daven

Well, little squirmy is waking up. And I've got to get ready for my appointment.

I know it's been a while since I've been able to get on here. But I've got plenty of pics to make up for that! I couldn't tell you exactly what day each pic was taken, but I do know I put them in order of occurrence, starting with earlier this week and ending with today.

Unhappy baby with a wet diaper

Sleepy

Daven saying hello to his new seahorse

Snoozing on the deck on a sunny day

Getting ready to talk a walk together

Super cute elephant outfit

I have no idea how he fell asleep with his arm up!

All clean!

Towel head!

Sleeping on the couch

We are doing pretty good here. I think my meds are helping as I haven't cried in days! I am also able to handle his crying better without having an anxiety attack.

One of the best investments I have made was purchasing "Happiest Baby on the Block" for my nook. Now, I haven't finished reading it yet, but it has already helped to ease my worries. The author, who is a Dr. calls a baby's first 4 months of life the 4th trimester. Basically, during this time newborns are still trying to transition from the womb to the word and really aren't quite ready. This is why they want to be held and cuddled all the time and also why they can have meltdowns for no reason. He says that there is no way that you can spoil your baby in the first 4 months by holding and cuddling them too much or showing them too much attention. Thank you! I am so tired of everyone telling me he needs to cry it out and that I shouldn't be holding him so much. According to the author constant contact is what babies need most and is what is going to help build a long trusting relationship.

He also has a technique for calming a fussy baby when they aren't hungry or wet and seem to be upset for no reason. First, you swaddle them tight. Then you put them on their side or stomach. Then you sway or rock them, shhhhing loudly and constantly. Last, you give them their paci. I haven't gotten into the book far enough to know why exactly it is that these things in this order work, but I put it to the test a few days ago and it worked! Daven calmed down within a minute!

So I've stopped feeling guilty about snuggling and moby wrapping and cosleeping. Eventually Daven will get to the point that he doesn't need his mommy as much, but for right now, I'm never going to deny him what he needs, even if that is constant cuddles through the night.

We did have a bit of a rough night last night. We finally got him to sleep around 11 pm. A got up with him about 1:30 or so to feed him. But then he was back up at 3, 5, 6, and 7:45. It wasn't exactly on the hour, but you can get the frequency from that. Exhausted! I don't know what his deal was. Silly boy.

It's just started to storm outside and I am not a fan. I hope that the thunder doesn't scare Daven as much as it scares mommy! We are just waiting on daddy to come home from work. Thank goodness for half day Fridays!

I really really do not want to go back to work in 2 weeks. I know that it will be ok once I go back, but I just wish I could stay home and snuggle all day every day with my baby boy. It's going to be so hard having to leave him all day.

Daven has started to grow out of a couple of his outfits. One of his footie sleepers is too small. Also, some of his long sleeve onsies are too tight as well. Damn Gerber and their way too small sizes! He's just barely a month and a half and the 0-3 month Gerber onsies don't fit.

Ok, the thunder is startling the baby (and mommy). Gotta go!

Things are trying to become routine around here. I've become more comfortable taking Daven out and it's not that big of a deal to tote him around. We go out somewhere most days. It's just hard being stuck inside all day every day and I find that I feel better if we get out of the house.

Since Daven has decided that he's not going to sleep in his crib or bassinet, we broke down and got a co sleeper. It looks like this:



It's basically just a little bed that we put in the middle of our bed between us. The one part at the bottom goes under the mattress to keep it in place and the rails are to make sure that we don't roll over on him - it's a safe way to have baby in bed. Daven seems to really like it. He still grunts and stirs in the middle of night, but most of the time if I put my hand on his belly he will calm back down. We don't want this to become a permanent arrangement, but for now it's giving me some piece of mind and some sleep.

Yesterday A's mom put together Daven's stroller and we went on our first walk together. A and I took Daven and Oreo on another walk just a bit ago. Daven slept the whole time. It's been nice outside the past couple of days, and it was really nice to be able to get outside. It's a pretty sweet stroller too. Hopefully we'll get a lot of use out of it.



I think I am doing ok right now. I'm doing better with the whole no breastfeeding thing than I thought I would, although I have to admit that when I read about or hear about other people breastfeeding, it does make me a bit jealous.

I'm really not looking forward to having to go back to work in a few weeks. Thankfully my dad is going to be the one watching him, at least for the rest of the school year. But still, I can't imagine having to leave him all day every day. It's going to be tough. I mean, I know that all working moms have to go through that and it can't be easy for anyone. But I just wish that I could stay home with him. Is that bad to want to be a stay at home mom? Even if we could afford it though, I don't think we would really want to do it. We like going out to eat and other things too much to be on one paycheck. Plus, I don't think we could even manage in the first place with our bills. So I will deal.

I know there were other things I wanted to talk about. But damn I can't remember.

Daven and Mia hanging out on the couch.

My bright-eyed boy

Written Wednesday

Daven had his one month appointment on Monday. He's up to 8 pounds 11 ounces now! I'm so glad that he's gaining weight. I wish though that I had asked about his other measurements because even though they took them, the nurse didn't tell us anything. She wasn't the most personable person.

I felt terrible when he had to get his second Hep B shot. He screamed and cried and his leg bled. I cried too. It was too much for me to take. He calmed down fairly quickly, but he's been feeling bad ever since. He's very clingy (and normally it's just ME who's clingy!) and will not sleep in his crib or bassinet. We've had him in bed with us for the past two nights. We've propped him up between us in his boppy pillow. He grunts and whines in his sleep and I have to rub his belly to get him to calm down. Poor baby. We've already taken two naps today together in the recliner this morning. I hope he knows that his mommy is here for him.

Shelby came over today and brought me lunch (Thank, Shelbs!) It's been so good to see her. Her and her mom came to visit me last Wednesday. What sucks is that I know once I have to go back to work I won't be able to see her as much because when she has her break I'll be working. I'm hoping that we'll be able to hang out this summer.

My dad and sister also came over today. They were much earlier than I expected though, because they came in right after Shelby did. I was hoping to have a little one on one time with her. But it is nice that my dad will actually come over now. He would barely step foot in the door before Daven got here.

I wish my ppd would go away. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm a wreck. It sucks because A doesn't understand and I can't explain it. I know he wants a reason behind my tears or me being upset and when I don't have one he thinks that I'm holding back on him. But I'm not. I honestly cannot put my feelings and anxieties into words. I know he's trying to be patient and I'm trying to be better. I love you, A!

I think I'm done breastfeeding. While I still feel bad/guilty about it, I'm not making hardly anything. I tried giving Daven the boob this morning, but he wouldn't stay latched on. The bottle is easier for him. And as much as this might sound selfish, I'm tired of pumping. Pump, wash the pump, pump, wash the pump, etc. All for so little. I have to pump all day to get enough to feed him once. And when I'm home alone with him I don't even have the opportunity to pump that much. So I think I'm just going to go ahead and just let him have the bottle. He had my breast milk in some quantity for a month. I was hoping to give him so much more than that. But I'm really making an honest effort not to beat myself up over it.