Happy 1 month, Daven!

So I know it's not the 30th, but then again there isn't a 30th in Feb. But today is 4 weeks, so we're going to call this his one month. Ah! I've only got a couple more weeks until I have to go back to work :( I have no idea how I'm going to do that.


Yesterday we went to my grandpa's to visit. I think it made him really happy to have us over there. I know he's been having a rough time with his radiation treatment and everything. Daven slept the whole time. Actually, he slept basically the whole day!

Here's a picture that I managed to sneak while grandpa was holding him.


Damn my iPhone for not having zoom functionality on the camera! I'm hoping to get some better pics tomorrow when we go out to eat with the family.

In boob news, I am growing more and more frustrated with the whole breastmilk thing. I've had to pump 4 times (once yesterday and 3 today) just to get enough milk for Daven to eat once. I even feel bad for getting my boobs out for him anymore because he works so hard at it and it takes so much time. Plus, since it takes him about a half hour to finish a bottle now, it's just too time consuming to do both. So I've been pumping when I can and saving it, then giving him formula the rest of the time. At least Daven still doesn't mind. I just wish that I could let go of it and stop worrying about it.

I really hope that the Zoloft my OB put me on helps my anxiety soon. When we were at A's parent's house last night they sent me upstairs to try to get some sleep. But once I got there all I could do was worry. I couldn't relax - I was super tense. Apparently he had some gas and was crying downstairs. But since he was crying, I just felt like I had to go to him. Yes, he was fine, but it took everything I had to stay upstairs. Once I was actually able to go to sleep, I dreamed that he was crying and woke right back up.

When we were home he finally went down for the night, it still took me a good 20 minutes to be able to stop worrying and go to sleep. And when he wakes up 2 hours later, I'm really not getting much sleep.

I love Daven so much. I hope that I'm doing an alright job being his mommy.

It's so hard to believe that Daven is almost a month old! How did that happen? I've been watching Baby Story on TLC the past couple of afternoons and the whole laboring process already seems so far in the past. I guess that's why people go back for more kids, huh? I've already told A that I'm up for having another one (in at least a couple of years from now). Back when I was pregnant, I wasn't sure if I could ever go through it again.

A and I actually went out on our first date since before Daven. I managed to leave Daven with my parents (and I didn't cry!) and we went to Maido. I got some hot green tea, and it was amazing to be able to drink it again. I also had a few pieces of raw sushi. Yes, I know that while I'm bfing I really shouldn't, but it was only half the roll and only part of the roll was raw. It was delicious. Although it was so weird to to be out A without Daven with us!

Here's me and Daven getting ready to leave.



Here's a cute pic that I caught of Daven after changing him. Mommas, lock up your daughters!


Daven and mommy in the moby. Mommy was able to wash the dishes and do some laundry!



This is exactly how I used to suck my thumb. See how his index finger is crooked over his nose? It caught me off guard when he did this yesterday in the middle of a feeding. I quickly grabbed my phone, praying that he wouldn't move before I could take a picture. I guess he really is his mommy's boy! (He snores like daddy)



Yesterday was a really rough day. The night before, Daven would only sleep for stints of a half hour and constantly needed to eat. By the time A's alarm went off for him to go to work I was a complete mess. He stayed home to take care of me. I just couldn't stop crying. Although I have some good days, I still cry an awful lot. And even when I'm not, I still have knots in my stomach and trouble sleeping because I am so worried about everything. Even though logically I know that everything is ok, my emotions take over.

One of my friends told me that I needed to call and talk to my OB and even though I didn't want to I did. I told the nurse what was going on and she said that I have postpartum depression and they called in some meds for me. I started taking them last night.

Although being told I have ppd makes me feel like a failure even more, at least now I know that there is a reason for all my irrational-ness. I'm hoping that once it gets in my system I can relax a bit and calm down.

In other meds, I had to stop taking the fenugreek. I only took it for 3 or 4 days, but it was making Daven miserable. He was so gassy and uncomfortable. He'd make these sad grunting noises in his sleep, followed by a fart, repeat process. And the herb wasn't making any difference on my supply at that point. The pill bottle said that it could take up to 2 weeks to have an effect, but I couldn't wait that long when it was hurting both our bellies! I'm hoping that it gets out of my system soon! So for now, he's still eating on both the boob and the bottle. I'm going to talk to the pediatrician on Monday when we have his one month appointment where we should go from there.

Hopefully I can come to grips with stopping the breastfeeding. Right now I can't. It makes me super sad to think about not having that bond anymore. But Daven is a smart boy and he's already wising up that the boob is a lot of work for not much food and the bottle is much easier. The other day he wouldn't even stay latched on at all and instead cried for the bottle. It broke my heart! But I don't blame him. Last night I managed to pump 2 oz, and that never happens. But I pumped this morning and it was only 1 1/2 oz. And I'm sure if I pump later in the day it will be down to 1. ::sigh:: It just sucks that when we finally got a hold on the whole breastfeeding thing that my boobs decided not to cooperate.

Yes, I know that it is perfectly ok to formula-only feed him and I know that it doesn't make me a bad mommy. But I still can't help feeling sad. Although last night I did not bf him at all, and it went ok. I had Taco Bell for dinner yesterday and it did not agree with me. It felt like one huge gas bubble in my stomach. I didn't want to do that to Daven!

I don't know if this is because Daven only had formula last night or if it was just a fluke, but he slept for 4 hours straight last night! He woke up at midnight to eat. Took about a half hour to eat his 4 ounces, and then an hour to get him settled to sleep. He would play this game with me where he would fall asleep in my arms and then the moment I set him in his crib - BAM - he was wide awake. We did this 3 times before I said fuck it and took him back to bed with me to hold. About 5 min. later he started pooping. Once we got that all cleaned up he fell to sleep relatively fast. Daven slept in his crib from 1:30-5:30 am. I actually woke up at 4:30 freaked out that I hadn't heard him yet and had to get up to check on him.

I'm hoping that this wasn't a one-time thing and that we can start to have more nights where he sleeps soundly. I'm not going to be realistic and think that he is going to sleep through the night, but I'd definitely love to have more than an hour of sleep at a time!

I'm still trying to decide whether or not I want to take him into school this afternoon for everyone to see.

Uh oh - baby's crying!

Daven 3 weeks old

Daven's O face

I do love our baby boy! It's really hard to believe that he's more than 3 weeks old already! Today was actually the first day that Daven and I have been alone all day. Even though it's the start of the third week that A's been back to work, I've always had visitors at some point throughout the day. But today we have been on our own, and I have actually managed.

Daven loves to play tricks on me. Like he'll be sound asleep until I lay down and get nice and comfy. Then all of a sudden he's wide awake!

So for the past couple of days I've been taking this herb called fenugreek. It's supposed to help you build up your milk supply. I started by taking two pills three times a day, but cut it back to one pill at a time today. I noticed that I was incredibly gassy and guess what - Daven was too. I hate that I made him feel like that. He's seemed alright for most of the day today so far and I'm not as bad. But if it gets worse then I'm just going to have to stop taking it because I don't want to cause him discomfort!

The whole breastmilk thing has been so rough. Daven finally gets the hang of it and is a big growing boy, and my boobs just can't keep up. He's eating 3-4 oz. at a time now while the titties are still only making 1-1 1/2 0z. I can pump twice and it still won't be enough for one feeding! Grrr.

One thing that no one tells you about breastfeeding is how freaking thirsty you will be all of the time. It's close to the point of misery. "When breastfeeding, try to drink 64 oz. of water everyday." Ha! I drink a 32 oz bottle of water at night and it's still not enough. I have to take two bottles to bed with me. I've already far surpassed that requirement for the day and we still have a ways to go. I'm thirsty all of the time. I have to have my water at my side at all times. And guess what else that means? Yep, I'm still peeing like I'm pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I really want to try to continue to give my boy at least some milk from me. It's just annoying. And since I'm always thirsty, my lips are constantly chapped and cracked. I finally found my chap stick but now A makes faces whenever he kisses me since he hates chap stick of any kind.

Lots of things have been going on, but since I don't get a chance to get on here every day, I can't remember them all to write them down.

Daven giving Mr. Elephant the side eye
P.S. He peed on this outfit 10 min. after I put it on him.
P.S.S Did I mention that he also peed on his face?

Damnit, there are more pics I want to post, but for whatever reason they aren't coming into my email so that I can save them on my computer. Hopefully next time!

Daven's first Valentine's Day

Yesterday we celebrated Daven's first Valentine's Day as a family. We lounged around the house, then went out to have dinner at Long Horn. Then we went to my parent's house to see my family for a bit. It's so odd to think that just a few years ago A and I were getting dressed up in fancy clothes as he came down to Lexington to see me at school. And I had no idea he was going to propose. Things have come a long way. That was our first Valentine's Day together. Then we spent one engaged, then our first one as a married couple, and now our first as a family. I'm so thankful and grateful for my boys!

I know the picture quality isn't the best, but there wasn't a lot of light at Long Horn. Daven slept peacefully the whole time.


Last night was the first night that we finally attempted to sleep upstairs - us in our bed and Daven in his crib. He did really well until about 3 in the morning. Then he just couldn't get full. He'd feed for 40 min, I'd change him and just when he looked like he might go to sleep, he started screaming he was hungry again. So then he fed for the same amount of time again. Same thing. When he wanted to eat for a third time 20 min later, my breasts could not take it. Luckily I had one more bottle of breast milk in the fridge, so we headed downstairs for the recliner with the bottle. Then we napped there while daddy went to work.


I haven't pumped any yet today because I have either been sleeping at the same time as him or he has wanted to eat every two hours. It has been a bit tiring when he wants to eat for a full hour and then eat again an hour later, but I'm managing so far. Daddy got to come home early because of all the snow so he's got the baby now and I'm taking my chance to blog.

Here are just a few faces I managed to capture earlier today.



He looks so peaceful in his bassinet! But in reality, he only slept like this for about 10 min!


Although I would have never pegged myself this way before Daven was born, I think I'm an attached parent. There is this whole thing on attachment parenting and the more I read, the more I feel like I fit the profile. We breastfeed, I hold him in my moby wrap, and I all around can't put him down. A lot of attached parents co-sleep in bed, but I am trying not to do this for fear of one of us rolling over on him. That being said, Daven and I do co-sleep at least once a day in the recliner. I'm not really sure if this is a good thing or bad thing, and I know that it will be beyond tough when I have to go back to work, but I just can't help it. I love holding my baby and being close to him.

Ok I'm going to lay down now. Lets see how long it takes for the baby to be hungry again ;)

Happy 2 weeks old, baby Daven!

It's hard to believe that you've already been here for 2 weeks. You're still so tiny, yet you are getting bigger every day. We love you so much!

Things have been rough here lately. My grandpa was in the hospital. He has cancer in his throat and has been undergoing radiation treatments for it. The radiation made 2nd degree burns inside his throat, so much so that he couldn't even swallow his own saliva.

The day that he got home from the hospital, my sister went in. I don't really want to talk about it or go into any detail, but her boyfriend (whom we suspected was no good) beat her something terrible. It's too painful for me to even talk about. Thankfully God was watching out for her and she's going to be alright after some surgeries, but no one should ever have to go through what she did. I can't even wrap my head around it. I hope that this guy rots in jail.

These things have been really tough to deal with considering I'm still all pp and weepy. I'm still dealing with the same issues of whether or not I'm a good enough mommy and what to do about breastfeeding, etc. I'm just taking it one day at a time. I guess that a week ago I wouldn't have thought that I could do it for another week and yet I have managed. So one day at a time.

I finally decided today that enough was enough - I needed to get out of the house. So we took our little bundle of joy with us to his very first trip to Target. He was so good - just slept the whole time. We even had strangers telling us how cute he was! Daven got some more pacis and one of those holders that you clip to his clothes. A got another lamp for the office, but that ended up a total fail since we forgot to get light bulbs for it and have absolutely none here at the house. Oops.

Here's Daven at Target. I know you can't tell from the pic, but he's in the cart riding along!


And here's our baby boy again, from this morning.


I think that we are going to try to go out to eat tonight with A's parents. Can't wait to take him out again!

I love my Moby D!

I decided a while back in my pregnancy that I wanted to get a moby wrap. It's basically this big long fabric that you strategically fold and tie so that you can wear your baby. Yes, I said wear your baby. And I didn't even have any idea back when I ordered mine that I would be so attached to my boy and unable to put him down!

If you buy your moby from their site, you're going to end up paying $60 before shipping. I was lucky enough to get mine on eBay, brand new, for $15. Woo hoo!

It took me two tries to get it right, but now Daven is snuggled close to mommy and mommy has both hands free to blog! Oh, and did I mention that I was able to do the dishes while he was awake? Thank you moby! I know it doesn't seem like much, but being able to sit here with my netbook brings a certain sense of normalcy. I'm not going to lie - it's been tough adjusting to life with a newborn. I wouldn't change it for anything in the world - but it's good to get to do something that I've always been doing without having to hand my baby off to someone else.






So is it weird seeing me not pregnant? I've been meaning to take a pic of myself to show how I look postpartum. Lets just say that I am skinnier than I was pre-pregnancy. It's still strange to both A and I that I don't have a big pregnant tummy anymore. We'll hug and then he'll say, "That's weird!" But there was 9 months of a slowly growing belly and now we're not quite 2 weeks out from labor so it's understandable. I mean, for the first couple of days after I swear I was having phantom kicks where it felt like I still had a baby kicking in me! (I swear I'm not crazy!)

So things have been a bit tough for me here. I am overcome with worry. Also, the whole breastfeeding thing I'm having to take one day at a time. I want to do what is best for my baby, but breastfeeding and pumping is so mentally and physically exhausting! Plus, I'm constantly worrying about whether he's getting enough to eat. There are some stints in the day where Daven is hungry again an hour after eating. I am so tired of everyone giving me advice, making me feel selfish for even thinking of formula feeding. I don't know what to do! I want to do it as long as possible because I know it's good for him, but towards the end of every day I'm left feeling the same distraught way about the whole thing. Can I do it?

I cry all of the time. I can't stop. I don't know if it's postpartum depression or just the ordinary baby blues or what. See, when I hear about that kind of thing, it's people who can't stand to be around their babies and are at risk for hurting them. I'm the exact opposite. I can't bear to set him down. I feel like I'm abandoning Daven when I put him in his bassinet to sleep. Then I worry that he's going to stop breathing and die. Every time my mother-in-law even mentions babysitting I burst into tears. I can't imagine leaving the room, let alone leaving him completely with someone else. And even though logic tells me that he will be perfectly fine, I still can't shake it. I'm really hoping that this gets better, because what am I going to do when I have to go back to work and leave him all day long? I can't even think about it.

Anyhow, sorry that got all deep and such. But I've never been about sugar-coating things. I will say this though - Daven is absolutely amazing! I love him to pieces. The way he smiles when he's pooping, how he sometimes snores in his sleep, the way he's so snuggly! I could go on and on!

Oh, and his poopy officially smells now. As if this giant wet farting noises aren't enough of an indication of what's going on down there!

On a side note, Daven and daddy are adorable together!

Birth story

So I just need to preface this by saying that I don't remember a lot of the details of the whole experience. I've read a lot of birth stories where the girls know exactly what time it was when there were this many cm dilated and all of that. Not me!

So let's take a trip back to Friday, Jan. 29. I had written a blog earlier that day. I remember I think I called it bad mood bears and was complaining about not feeling well. During my third grade class, I started feeling really bad. My heart was pounding like I had drank a couple pots of coffee and I was getting dizzy sitting at the piano. So when they left and I was waiting for my 6th grade band to come in, I called the Dr.s'. I left a message telling them how I was feeling. At this point I had a pretty bad headache too. They called me back within 5 minutes and said that I needed to leave work and go straight to the hospital to be monitored. They normally would have done this in office, but Fridays are their half days.

So I went into my principal's office and told him that I had to go. For once, he was sympathetic and even managed to give me a half hug. He came in to run the rest of my band class and I packed up my things.

Called A on my way home and told him that he needed to meet me at the house to go to the hospital. I could tell that he was nervous and excited - could this finally be it? But we had no idea since I wasn't actually in labor. He called his mom and I called my mom and it felt like forever for me to drive home.

A managed to beat me home, and as soon as I walked in the door we were on our way. It didn't take any time at all to get registered at the hospital and then we were up on our way to L&D. I got changed into my (crappy) gown, peed in a cup, and got hooked up to the monitors. I had to get blood taken. As we were waiting for the results of my tests I just laid there thinking that we should have stopped for lunch before coming here. I kept talking about Chick fil a and I think quite a few of the nurses ended up having the same craving after coming into my curtained area.

Before we got the results back my Dr. came in to talk to me. She said that I had two options. If my results came back ok, I could go home and be put on bed rest for the weekend. Or she could go ahead and induce me regardless. I used the excuse that my sister-in-law was coming in this weekend and that we should just go ahead and get this show going. Sucked for my midwife since she had just gotten off work for the weekend though! But if I had gone home, I still would have had to do that 24 hour pee test and be all around miserable.

We called our family to let them know that they needed to get up there and then before we knew it we were in the birthing room and I was being hooked up to the iv. Let me just say how bad that damn iv hurt! It hurt something awful! So I had the iv in my left hand and the stupid uncomfortable blood pressure band on my right arm. A's dad awkwardly sat in the room making weird comments as we waited for the drugs to kick in and everyone else to get there. I don't think A knew what to do. Of course I wouldn't know what to do either if I were in his place!

All of this was around 1 in the afternoon. I didn't start pushing until 3:30 in the morning!

I managed to go a few hours without any pain meds at all. I kept having to get up to go pee. I flipped channels on the tv and talked to my mom and A.

My Dr. came in to break my water and that was painful! She had this long plastic stick hook thing. It was pretty scary looking. It felt so gross when my water did break and warm stuff started coming out - ew. At one point it actually shot out and got on my sock! The nurses put towels under me to manage the mess and my Dr. put a fetal heart monitor up my who-ha so that they didn't need the one on my belly anymore. That was sure strange. But then again everything about the whole experience was strange to me.

When the pain started getting pretty bad, they gave me something in my iv to take the edge off. I don't know exactly what it was. It made me feel immediately high, and it was hard to focus on what people were saying to me. It was like I wasn't really there. Then I slept for a while. Oh, and I had to keep using the bed pan because after they give you any meds you aren't allowed to get up and walk around anymore. That was really hard to do. Even though I had to pee so super bad, it was hard to tell myself that it was ok to pee in bed. And I kept wanting to say sorry to the nurses for having to dump my pee and wipe me off.

I don't know what time it was or how many cm dilated I was when enough was enough, but I finally asked to get my epidural. I think having the other medicine first helped because I really wasn't too scared like I thought I would be and it didn't actually hurt that bad. I was a bit upset when they said that everyone had to leave the room. I was super jumpy when the anesthesiologist was cleaning my back and poking around. I bent over the bed with two nurses at my head and the med was put into place.

Then they put in my catheter. Now when I was reading through my book about labor I wondered why this had to be done when you get an epi. Now I know. Because you can't feel anything! I filled up a bag of pee without even knowing it!

It was a really weird feeling. My legs and feet went completely numb. I couldn't will myself to move them at all. I slept for quite a bit after this, and every so often they would have to move me. Right side, left side, back, repeat. The only help that I could be was grabbing the rails. The nurses had these tricks with the towels under me to help twist and move me.

At some point, the medicine wore off and I still wasn't near ready. They gave me a boost of the medicine. This made it better, but my pain still wasn't completely gone. By the time I was ready to push and my Dr. was back in the room I could feel every contraction. I could also feel my legs, although I still couldn't move them.

I originally thought that I only wanted A in the room while I was actually giving birth, but I had my mom stay after all. She had been so good staying by my side the whole night and reassuring me that I knew I needed her in there.

A was on my left side and mom was on my right. My Dr. was in position and I started pushing. I sat up, held my legs as best as I could, held my breath and pushed. I got about 3 pushes in per contraction. I pushed for a total of an hour. Yes, I pooped. Even though the only thing I had had to eat that whole day was a poptart first thing in the morning I still pooped. But there wasn't anything I could have done about it. You've got to give it everything you've got regardless.

A was really good about getting me ice chips and sips of water throughout. Finally, I could feel that something was actually happening and a few pushes later, Daven was here! I had been pushing for an hour. Daven was born at 4:38 in the morning of Jan. 30.

It was such an amazing feeling to see our baby boy held up and to hear him cry. A actually cut the chord! I don't know that I would have been able to do that if I were him, but he did it and I'm sure that he's glad he did it in the end. Then they set him on my chest and I was able to say hi to our baby boy!

They took him over to the other side of the room to clean him and get him warm, and A followed to make sure everything was ok. But I wasn't finished yet. I had to have a few stitches, and since the meds had worn off and I hadn't been allowed to have any more because of my bp, I felt all of the stitches. Then there was the placenta, which wasn't too bad. My Dr. asked if I wanted to see it - hells no!

What was super painful was all the pushing on my belly after it was all said and done to try to get things cleared out and make my uterus start to shrink back. I think I made more noise while they were doing that then I did the whole laboring process. Everyone commented on how quiet I was during the whole thing. A expected me to shout obscene things and scream. I did neither. The only time I got short with him was when I needed the oxygen mask and he wasn't putting it back on my face fast enough.

I also remember that throughout, especially close to pushing and after, my arms shook uncontrollably. I was also super cold. Apparently these were side effects of the medicine.

Finally they brought Daven back to me and I was able to try to breast feed for the first time. Then they took him down to the nursery for some tests and his first shower and I was prepared to be moved down to another room.

Becoming a mom has been truly amazing. I can't even really put it into words. It's also been extremely tough as well, mainly the breastfeeding, but it is worth it.


We've got pictures from the hospital, but I don't have those yet to post. Hopefully I will have some time to continue to update the blog. A and I love our baby boy Daven!

Daven Alexander is here!

We love our baby boy even more than we thought!

He was born Saturday, Jan. 30 at 4:38 in the morning. He weighed 7.4 pounds and 21 inches.

He's the most wonderful tiny baby ever and A and I are so beyond happy that he is in our lives.

There hasn't been a lot of time to sit down and write, and it's about time to feed him now, so details will have to wait until later.

Daddy and Daven

More to come soon!