I'm just a mess

Am I really going to be one of those people who is sick their entire pregnancy? Seriously, guys. This has got to stop. I cannot handle working here at this place when I can't get even one day where I actually feel good. I can't make it a week without throwing up, and when I manage to keep things down, I still feel the need to barf. I hurt all over, can't get over being tired, and just feel like an emotional wreck right now.

I don't have the patience for this job any more. I don't look forward to coming into work. I'm not happy once I get here. The only thing that keeps me going is counting down the minutes until the end of the day. But that only helps for so long, because then I'm dreading the next day. I think about when the baby is born, and how I wish that I could stay home and not have to come back to work. Lord knows it will take half my salary to put the baby in daycare, but we just have too many bills.

I'm worried about how things will change once the baby is born. We will have to eat at home a lot more, but how will we do that when A and I don't like to cook? What happens when he wants to buy his video games, computer stuff, and other gadgets but we don't have the money because we are spending it all on diapers. Will he resent me?

I just want to curl up in a hole somewhere. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day without crying in front of my students. I need A. I wish he was here right now. I miss my grandmas. I hate the fact that they are never going to see their first great grandbaby. Never get to hold him/her. I'll never have that bond. I feel like I didn't get enough of a chance to get to know them myself like I wanted. Grandpa W has his new wife, but that's not the same. She doesn't cook homemade bread and play with my hair. She's too proper to really seem like she cares. And my other grandpa is so lonely. And I can't even talk about it with him because it upsets me so much that she's gone.

I need to compose myself before my next class comes in. God, today is hard.