Written Wednesday

Daven had his one month appointment on Monday. He's up to 8 pounds 11 ounces now! I'm so glad that he's gaining weight. I wish though that I had asked about his other measurements because even though they took them, the nurse didn't tell us anything. She wasn't the most personable person.

I felt terrible when he had to get his second Hep B shot. He screamed and cried and his leg bled. I cried too. It was too much for me to take. He calmed down fairly quickly, but he's been feeling bad ever since. He's very clingy (and normally it's just ME who's clingy!) and will not sleep in his crib or bassinet. We've had him in bed with us for the past two nights. We've propped him up between us in his boppy pillow. He grunts and whines in his sleep and I have to rub his belly to get him to calm down. Poor baby. We've already taken two naps today together in the recliner this morning. I hope he knows that his mommy is here for him.

Shelby came over today and brought me lunch (Thank, Shelbs!) It's been so good to see her. Her and her mom came to visit me last Wednesday. What sucks is that I know once I have to go back to work I won't be able to see her as much because when she has her break I'll be working. I'm hoping that we'll be able to hang out this summer.

My dad and sister also came over today. They were much earlier than I expected though, because they came in right after Shelby did. I was hoping to have a little one on one time with her. But it is nice that my dad will actually come over now. He would barely step foot in the door before Daven got here.

I wish my ppd would go away. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm a wreck. It sucks because A doesn't understand and I can't explain it. I know he wants a reason behind my tears or me being upset and when I don't have one he thinks that I'm holding back on him. But I'm not. I honestly cannot put my feelings and anxieties into words. I know he's trying to be patient and I'm trying to be better. I love you, A!

I think I'm done breastfeeding. While I still feel bad/guilty about it, I'm not making hardly anything. I tried giving Daven the boob this morning, but he wouldn't stay latched on. The bottle is easier for him. And as much as this might sound selfish, I'm tired of pumping. Pump, wash the pump, pump, wash the pump, etc. All for so little. I have to pump all day to get enough to feed him once. And when I'm home alone with him I don't even have the opportunity to pump that much. So I think I'm just going to go ahead and just let him have the bottle. He had my breast milk in some quantity for a month. I was hoping to give him so much more than that. But I'm really making an honest effort not to beat myself up over it.