It's so hard to believe that Daven is almost a month old! How did that happen? I've been watching Baby Story on TLC the past couple of afternoons and the whole laboring process already seems so far in the past. I guess that's why people go back for more kids, huh? I've already told A that I'm up for having another one (in at least a couple of years from now). Back when I was pregnant, I wasn't sure if I could ever go through it again.

A and I actually went out on our first date since before Daven. I managed to leave Daven with my parents (and I didn't cry!) and we went to Maido. I got some hot green tea, and it was amazing to be able to drink it again. I also had a few pieces of raw sushi. Yes, I know that while I'm bfing I really shouldn't, but it was only half the roll and only part of the roll was raw. It was delicious. Although it was so weird to to be out A without Daven with us!

Here's me and Daven getting ready to leave.



Here's a cute pic that I caught of Daven after changing him. Mommas, lock up your daughters!


Daven and mommy in the moby. Mommy was able to wash the dishes and do some laundry!



This is exactly how I used to suck my thumb. See how his index finger is crooked over his nose? It caught me off guard when he did this yesterday in the middle of a feeding. I quickly grabbed my phone, praying that he wouldn't move before I could take a picture. I guess he really is his mommy's boy! (He snores like daddy)



Yesterday was a really rough day. The night before, Daven would only sleep for stints of a half hour and constantly needed to eat. By the time A's alarm went off for him to go to work I was a complete mess. He stayed home to take care of me. I just couldn't stop crying. Although I have some good days, I still cry an awful lot. And even when I'm not, I still have knots in my stomach and trouble sleeping because I am so worried about everything. Even though logically I know that everything is ok, my emotions take over.

One of my friends told me that I needed to call and talk to my OB and even though I didn't want to I did. I told the nurse what was going on and she said that I have postpartum depression and they called in some meds for me. I started taking them last night.

Although being told I have ppd makes me feel like a failure even more, at least now I know that there is a reason for all my irrational-ness. I'm hoping that once it gets in my system I can relax a bit and calm down.

In other meds, I had to stop taking the fenugreek. I only took it for 3 or 4 days, but it was making Daven miserable. He was so gassy and uncomfortable. He'd make these sad grunting noises in his sleep, followed by a fart, repeat process. And the herb wasn't making any difference on my supply at that point. The pill bottle said that it could take up to 2 weeks to have an effect, but I couldn't wait that long when it was hurting both our bellies! I'm hoping that it gets out of my system soon! So for now, he's still eating on both the boob and the bottle. I'm going to talk to the pediatrician on Monday when we have his one month appointment where we should go from there.

Hopefully I can come to grips with stopping the breastfeeding. Right now I can't. It makes me super sad to think about not having that bond anymore. But Daven is a smart boy and he's already wising up that the boob is a lot of work for not much food and the bottle is much easier. The other day he wouldn't even stay latched on at all and instead cried for the bottle. It broke my heart! But I don't blame him. Last night I managed to pump 2 oz, and that never happens. But I pumped this morning and it was only 1 1/2 oz. And I'm sure if I pump later in the day it will be down to 1. ::sigh:: It just sucks that when we finally got a hold on the whole breastfeeding thing that my boobs decided not to cooperate.

Yes, I know that it is perfectly ok to formula-only feed him and I know that it doesn't make me a bad mommy. But I still can't help feeling sad. Although last night I did not bf him at all, and it went ok. I had Taco Bell for dinner yesterday and it did not agree with me. It felt like one huge gas bubble in my stomach. I didn't want to do that to Daven!

I don't know if this is because Daven only had formula last night or if it was just a fluke, but he slept for 4 hours straight last night! He woke up at midnight to eat. Took about a half hour to eat his 4 ounces, and then an hour to get him settled to sleep. He would play this game with me where he would fall asleep in my arms and then the moment I set him in his crib - BAM - he was wide awake. We did this 3 times before I said fuck it and took him back to bed with me to hold. About 5 min. later he started pooping. Once we got that all cleaned up he fell to sleep relatively fast. Daven slept in his crib from 1:30-5:30 am. I actually woke up at 4:30 freaked out that I hadn't heard him yet and had to get up to check on him.

I'm hoping that this wasn't a one-time thing and that we can start to have more nights where he sleeps soundly. I'm not going to be realistic and think that he is going to sleep through the night, but I'd definitely love to have more than an hour of sleep at a time!

I'm still trying to decide whether or not I want to take him into school this afternoon for everyone to see.

Uh oh - baby's crying!